Stories from Domestic Violence Victims
April 22, 2010
I have been in a marriage for over twenty years. Got married because I was pregnant. I didn't want to but he said it was the right thing to do. That's were the control started.He controlled who I spoke to. Controlled what I wore. Controlled what I did. And for God's sake he contolled what color underwear and bras i wore. He took control over our money about fifteen years ago. And about five years ago started gambling. I was unaware of this because I was lazy and did not want to be involved in the money. Even though it was mine. Real stupid of me. Well about a year ago he came to me and said we had to file bankrupsy. I was shoked. We made good money. What happened ? Well I started snooping. And the more I snooped the mader he got. Finally got to the point were he was really mean and I figured out he was scamming money from me. Didn't know what for. I thought it was drugs. So I started trying to figure out how to get him out. And with a lot of support from my family and friends my boys and i asked him to leave. he did. Two days later left us a note admitting to gambling and charging um $6,000 to my older sons credit card. That was it. I was done. So started the process for a divorce. Not a easy thing to do. But we filed a uncontested divorce and I am moving on. I am responsible for my house now. I pay the bills, I get the mail, i pick out colored underwear now, ha. I am in control. Women should always know were their money is going. Women should be their own person. Be who you are. Don't ever hide or deny who you are. Love yourself, and be happy with yourself. No mater what any man says.
Anonymous
April 11, 2010
My mother and my father had to have 2 surgeries to have children, of which I am the oldest. They had 4 children together, but my father wasn't around to see my youngest brother grow up. When he denied my infant sister the chance to have her own first pair of shoes, telling my mother to give her mine, my mother left the home and got a job. When my father found out, he was furious. He started beating her without regard to where his children were at the time. I saw my father do things to my mother that no human being should be forced to witness. She left. He turned on the charm at the local school, and begged for our address, to make the 'misunderstanding' right, and the school was so stupid that they gave it to him. He hunted us down like animals, used his sadistic brain to con everyone around him into believing his side of the story, and alienating my mother. From the time I was 4 until about 11, we moved so often that I went to at least one different schoo l per grade level. He kept finding us. The orders of protection kept expiring. He kept manipulating and coming back into our lives. He was addicted to crack/cocaine and alcohol, and it made the abuse worse, but it was NOT responsible for the abuse. He still tries to use his addictions as the scapegoat for his behavior, but it is NOT FAIR to my mother, to brush off her pain as the result of his drunken binges.
One night in late September, when I was in 4th grade, my father showed up and demanded that we come with him for 'a visit'. I knew I didn't want to go with him because it was dark out, but he was wearing sunglasses--which meant to my child mind that he was going to be meaner than usual, when in reality it meant he was high. My brothers got in the car, and my sister was packing her things, but I refused to go. I sat on the kitchen stool and crossed my arms, and when he told me to get up and get my pajamas, I turned my back around on the swivelled stool. He grabbed my arm harshly and spun me around, screaming at me that he was my father and I needed to respect him. He slapped me across the face, and I fell off the stool. My mother started screaming at him, and he threw a coffee cup at her face, smashing the kitchen faucet and spraying water everywhere. My sister stood between me and my father, terrified. He ripped the phone from the wall, left the trailer, and sped off with my 2 brothers in his car.
That night was terrifying. I knew that the cops kept saying that it was considered kidnapping, and that he had broken the law, but they'd said these things before and *nothing had happened to help us*. It turns out my father had cut the lines of propane running under our trailer, and was attempting to get his children out of the trailer so that he could set fire to it with his wife locked inside, alive. The next day, the police brought my brothers back and arrested my father for attempted murder. Then, ABW took us in to a safe home. We were there for my birthday, my youngest brother's birthday, and Halloween. Eventually we moved back home, and I had to shrug my shoulders when my friends asked where I had been and why I hadn't said goodbye. I couldn't tell anyone.
The wall of silence around domestic abuse needs to be taken down, and the history of victim blaming needs to be abolished.
I have been disowned by my paternal grandparents because I recognize and charge my father with the fact that he abused my mother and I. (He got out of prison a few years too early, because he gave up the name of a drug dealer of his, and enrolled in AA and NA. That's the justice system for you.)
My siblings are disenchanted from me as I am the only one who remembers any of the events, especially the culminating one which led to his imprisonment in my 10th year. They still visit my father and have been manipulated by him to think that my mother and I are crazy. Because he went through AA and knows everything about the Bible, apparently, he uses religion to insult my mother, insinuating that he will be going to heaven and she won't, because, "like Jezebel" she lied.
I apologize for the rough tone of this piece, but my father ruined my life, and I try daily to move on, but it's hard with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and depression.
ABW is one of the few reasons I am alive today. Thank you.
Anonymous
April 11, 2010
It was more than twenty years ago that I realized that the way I was living was NOT normal. I had grown used to the verbal and psychological abuse, and what seemed like rare physical abuse. My ex-husband never actually beat me - he didn't need to. I finally realized that even when married, sex without consent (or even being awake) is still rape.
I told almost no one. I finally realized that the abuse was beginning to affect my two daughters, and I needed to protect them. I sought counseling, and then found a lawyer. I found a job that had adequate pay - I could afford to leave finally, and moved into an apartment in a secure complex where my kids could continue in their home schools and I had an order of protection.
At no time did I call the police for help - it simply didn't occur to me. And it was hard enough to tell my family and friends. As the abuse had been escalating, I was terrified most of the time, until he moved out of the Rochester area. I continued with counseling, including at ABW. I finally became a survivor instead of a victim. I taught my daughters, 8 and 10 when I moved out, that they needed to be self-sufficient and independent. And, now adults, they are both doing well - survivors also. I've struggled with whether my story would make a difference to anyone. I didn't have broken bones, bruises or any visible injuries, but it has taken me years to speak of what I went through - and I still struggle with trusting men, even though I finally re-married. Abuse happens everywhere - I lived in a middle-class suburb, am educated, and no one knew what was happening - I was really good at covering up the odd behavior of my husband (an active alcoholic) and jumping throug h all of the hoops - if the house was just that much cleaner, the kids that much quieter, or if my cooking could match his mothers - then it might be a good night. Nope - never quite made it to the "good enough" stage, and I was left with pretty shattered self esteem for years. So, now I work in human service and non-profit work, not as a social worker but as an advocate. I've pushed the police department to expand their services for victims of domestic violence - something that seems to be always understaffed and underfunded. And, I remind them that not all of us call for help - I was able to get out before it escalated - but others are silent, and lose their lives. The tragic death of Stuphonia this week has reminded me that there are too many of us who live in fear where we should be safest. And, I still don't know how to keep them safe. ABW was there when I needed help - twenty years later, I hope I am finally finding my voice. Tears don't help.
Anonymous
April 11, 2010
My 20 year old daughter has been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 3 years. He has manipulated her, called her horrific names, pushed and shoved her, thrown her out of his car, broken her cell phone, ripped her clothes, etc. He controls her every move and has isolated her from her family and friends. He continually tells her that her family is the root cause of the problem. We don't love her according to this young man. We are at a loss as to how to help her. She is very beautiful, a hard worker, lots of fun, smart and just a lovely person. The young woman I see now is nothing like the daughter, sister, friend we knew. He has attacked her appearance on a daily basis, her intelligence, and will not make hold her, comfort her, support her. He is truly an evil person, and as a family; we are afraid for her well being. I have taken her to counselors, but she always has an excuse after the first or second visit. This "boyfrien d" has threatened my husband, our other children and myself. How do I help this beautiful person if she isn't ready to accept it. Her life should be filled with love, laughter, school, friends and family. It is only filled with fear, humiliation and a deep desire to be loved and accepted by this monster.
Anonymous
March 23, 2010
In a noisy world of children laughing, or argueing, I felt like a queen for such a short time. Being a mother was always something I wanted to become. However, I began as a teenage parent, I soon discovered how much I loved being just a "mom." I didn't know that men could be abusive, through words, insults and ...I only knew that iwthout a father for most of my life, it was something I needed to find, a good strong man to be a father to my son's. Days and nights, they appeared ok, nothing struck until one frightful day. I can't remember what we said, while sitting on the hill that day. The car pointed down hill, hanging on, praying for God to move my two young son's out of the way, the car sped quick down the hill, running over the go-carts their grandfather brought for them. "My God," I screamed, the trees they bent, one piereced into my leg. I thought I died, but no such luck, my boys were taken away that day,, to far, too far, too far away. Away from their grandmother and their mom. Today, the sun creeps above the hills, it searches for new plants to feed. My soul it continues to weep, of that one day, the lightenss of the air, and pain in my gut, knowing I failed my three young boys. I didn't leave, I didn't leave, I didn't leave, and for the rest of my time here on Earth, I will have to live with this pain, of not knowing where two of my chidlren are today. I miss my son's so much. I pray that maybe tomorrow, I won't wake up and in Gods gracious arms I'll return, to feel safe once again. -- I didn't leave. I didn't leave.
Anonymous
March 1, 2010
Well, there was this boy named Dan. when we started dating, he bought me everything a wanted and we had sex regularly. after about 5 months he started getting horribly irritated with me and then one day, i remember it like it ws yesterday, he slapped me. yeah. across the face. ill never forget it, and then he had sex with me to make me feel better because he knows that was what i liked, but he demanded to put it in my behind. after, he beat me senseless. i didnt know who to turn to so i went to abw. it was so horrible and i will never forget it but abw helped so much, i finally feel like i can move on.
Anonymous
February 25, 2010
I have benn in this relationship six years, even tho the frist three were the most amazing years of my life, yeah we had are ups and downs at times but nothing like now.
At frist it started with yellin then came the threats,then came he kicked me and my infant out with no where to go but yet i went back,he put on the "oh baby im sorry i love you"act,but still it continues,now he makes me sell my body for money and takes it from me so he can do what ever he wants,i have to stay in the house and i have no friends,i even have to call him and ask him for money if i want to go some where and even then we fight.
he makes me have sex with him when he wants it,he makes me feel like im no good it even hurts when i look in the mirror at my self and when i try to get away it never works.he never hurts my baby i thank god for that but im scared that the threats an emotional abuse will become more.i just wish there was a way to leave all this behind..
Anonymous
February 2, 2010
I am 53 years old and I have been in an abusive marriage, my second for twenty years. We have two children together, they are boys, ages 16 and 19. Ten years ago I attempted to break free and I filed for divorce. What followed was a hellish nightmare that lasted a year. I spent my life savings defending myself from his paper flurry to my lawyer and child protection services. He is an expert emotional abuser. He controls every dollar we have and I do not have my name on any asset we own. The only thing in my name are debts, that I have had to incur to survive here. When the court finally ordered him to pay my lawyer $10,000, he kicked in with I will kill myself if you do not let me come back home. His mother was dying of cancer at the time and I (like an idiot) allowed him back in my life. He had caused so much damage, I told him there were conditions...he must get couseling (I was already in couseling), he must share my name on our married resources, and h e must stop the emotional abuse. He went to one session, and according to him the counselor didn't think he had a problem and he didn't need to go back. He never put my name on anything. He did try and control the name calling and belittling, but the foul language and abuse just took other forms. Subtly he convinced me the nanny was to expensive and I should quit my job and care for my boys,7 and 9 at the time. He would give me a check every month and I was to pay the household bills and groceries from it. I was always in the position to "ask" for my check every month, something I find demeaning. I feel like a servant or the hired help. I had a professional job in a big corporation and I have a college education. Now that the boys are older they often mimmick his abusive tone and language in order to get there way. He never backs me up of course, because their abusive behavior justifies his. When I ask him to enforce a rule and one of my sons objects saying this or that abou t me, he generally agrees with them. If I object he just says, you are a bitch and a nag just listen to yourself. I now find myself being abused not just by my husband but by my sons as well. Two years ago I took an overdose of sleeping pills. A foolish, impulsive, desperate move. You can just imagine how they use that against me now. The nurses that cared for me knew what was up and would not let him pick me up from the hospital. I lied to them and told them It was all about me and that I was having a tough time with menopause and depression. I need help to get out this relationship.
Anonymous
December 29, 2009
I just have a poem that I wrote about how my ex used to hit me and beat me up badly.
All the shit
I put up with
all the pain and the hurt
humiliated and disrespected
straight drug in the dirt.
I still stuck by your side
through thick
and through thin
cowered in the corner
giving in to every whim.
Bruised up and beat up
I did all I could
and then some to boot!
Now what do I look like?
The dumb bitch in a monkey suit!
But I'll gather myself
this won't keep me down
strengthening and bettering myself-
it's my turn to clown!
Anonymous
December 19, 2009
Reading the stories of other women's struggles really struck a cord with me. Three years ago I was in an abusive relationship, physically, mentally and emotionally. This abuse went on for almost 2 years and after I went back 2x. It took me a long time to realize that I was not the names that he called me, that I deserved to NOT be literally spit on and kicked. That I was better than his drunken rants and him jacking me up against walls by my wrists. I will never forget what happened and until recently I hadn't forgiven myself. For me, forgiving myself and reminding myself that it wasn't fault allowed me to move forward. I still see this person almost on a weekly basis and have chosen for the past 3 years to keep my distance because his presence in my life is toxic. I am now a healthcare professional and working towards a safer and healthier life for myself. I am inspired by the women who triumph over abuse and say that enough is enough.
Anonymous
October 5, 2009
I've been married for many years. We have one daughter who my husband adores. He used to love me too but then life happened. I've gotten older, I quit smoking and gained weight. He started his putdowns about 15 years ago. I tried begging, pleading, marriage counseling, he wasn't interested. He told me he didn't love me anymore, but he didn't know why, but still he stayed. He basically ignored me for years, and when he did speak to me it was in a demeaning, condescending voice. Now, I'm faced with no job, my lack of income has escalated his hatred towards me. He threatened to punch me and smash the computer one day last week (the day before my birthday). I no longer feel safe in my own home. I must have gotten "used" to the psychological abuse, but the threat of physical abuse I won't ignore. I need to set an example for my daughter, abuse is not acceptable. I realize I should have left a long time ago. But, I'm not one to look back though, I try to only look forward. I'm filing for a divorce.
Anonymous
September 22, 2009
Three years ago I filed for divorce, i should have filed years before but I didn't because I was scared. It was not about being physically abused, at times I wish it was because then people could see what I was feeling. His words were so cruel to people he did not like, his words were cruel to me and I was married to him. Once I filed for the divorce he asked for life became unbearable. There were numerous tape recorders taping me in my own home, emails wouldn't go out without him approving them first. I was locked out of our filing cabinet, the safe and he began telling cruel storys about how abusive I was to him. I found out that my marriage had been carefully documented, worded so to say i was an unfit mother. He didn't prove a thing but did drag me through 2 years of litigation until I just couldn't fight him any longer. We share custody of our two young girls, he tells them awful things about me. He continues to spy on me, document me and thre aten me with going back to court. his mother refers to herself as Mommy to my girls. His words scare me but no one understands. If I stand up to him he becomes more mean to me, makes my life awful. If I don't then he rules my life and i wonder why I divorced him. I am his target, he lives to ruin me and continues to try. I wonder how people can move on and live their lives, I struggle each and every day.
Anonymous
July 18, 2009
i'm just typing to get it out. i haven't been continously hit, but it occasionally in the past. my experience has been more verbally abusive than physical. i received more of the tongue lashing from my son's grandmother than his father. i had a nervous breakdown. due to panic attacks i practically lost. almost everything my job, family, and even my son. just because i couldn't stand my ground now the one son that i have is living with grandma. i want to get what life left back. i want to set an example for my daughter that it is ok to be herself, and accertive in her life.
Anonymous
July 15, 2009
I was in a relationship with a man for 8 years. We have 3 children together (6,5,2) I delt with the humilation, name calling, pushing, shoving, hitting, him taking my paychecks and not paying the rent with it. I delt with a lot... I left a few times and stayed away for a while until I went back with my kids. I continued to be abused and my children witnessed a lot of it and I never realized that their behavior was because of the domestic violence. The last straw for me was when my ex came home and knew that our son and daughter were fighting. He pusehed our daughter in her room and smashed my son's face into the refrigerator causing his mouth and nose to bleed a lot. That night my ex cried and apologized about how it was all an accident. He wouldn't let me call the ambulance or take our son to the hospital. He said that if I called anyone, he would hold us all hostige. He was eventually arrested for a different matter but once he was gone I took my 3 small
kids to ABW where I learned so much about how to keep myself and my kids safe. They learned how to understand that I am their mother and they do have to listen to me and respect me. We learned how to be a non-violent happy family. We just moved into our new apartment last week and we are so much happier and we don't feel scared that their dad will hurt us all anymore. He is still in jail looking at at least 10 years upstate for violating my order of protection. I don't know what we would have done if ABW didn't exist.
Anonymous
July 14, 2009
I have been a victim of abuse for the past 2.5 years. I never thought I could be in this postion. I never thought I would take it. But he has manipulated me ... controlled me and hurt me to the point that I actually felt I deserved it. Even knowing full well I have never done one thing to make this happen to me. I cant even talk to anyone. He has alienated everyone from me. Friends and family. : (
He has tore me down and taken all the strength I have had. I used to be a strong person. A happy person. Full of life and laughter. I cant do anything right anymore. I know I am a good person with a big heart. I had so much love for life. Everytime I break it off. He goes after me by way of people he knows I love. He hurts me by turning others against me with horrible terrible lies that are so far from the truth and so far from me. Its a terrible cycle. I am drained. But I know deep down I can be who I once was again without him. I need support and professional help.
Anonymous
