Stories from Domestic Violence Victims
January 11, 2011
Hey ladies! I am not very computer literate, but I'll do what I can. I have been to ABW, Rochester, 4 times! You would, think that I would have learned, but not me! I always went back to what I knew, or thought I knew. The result was always the same. Ter, alone again, lonely, and because I was so controlled, didn't think I could make it. Hey, I did! By the way, I am a life support nurse, got back to it about a year ago after I healed. Now, I smile a lot, have money in my pocket and enjoy going to the beach, even when it's snowing, BECAUSE I CAN! ABW is a great stepping stone ... Sort it out, have a goal.
Anonymous
August 11, 2011
I am a 44yr old mother of 1. I have been married for almost 14 yrs, my husband is very verbally abusive, put us down when ever he can. On night he came home from work gave me a hug asked how I was feeling because I have MS and just had IV steroids, I said fine, he went downstairs to check his e-mail, he came back up and his mood changed. He started yelling at me and accusing me of having an affair,then he grabbed and pushed me. Started yelling at me in the bathroom.I have abrasions and bruising. He also wanted to burn my wedding gown. I am terrified of my own husband and I shouldn't be. I do have an order of protection and I would like full custody of our daughter. We our living with my parents until I get my own place. I now I am doing the right thing even though its hard.
Anonymous
August 11, 2011
My story is different than most. I am not a direct victim of domestic violence. However, domestic violence has totally turned our family upside down and we will never, ever be the same again as long as we live. Like so many, I heard the stories about domestic violence, but I never ever dreamed someone in my family would be a victim. We are an educated, middle class family living in the suburbs. My husband and I both came from middle class, hard-working Christian families. It was a shock that domestic violence would become part of our family story. And this is one of the key points I want to make - Domestic Violence can impact ANYONE – any income level, any educational level, any race, any religion.
Here is my story. My daughter was the perfect child – really! She was very quiet and shy and always tried to obey all rules. She was compliant and a pleasure to raise. She was one-in-a-million. She never caused us any trouble and we trusted her completely. She had a good head on her shoulders and was an excellent student. She was kind, thoughtful, mature and loving. She was salutatorian of her high school and college classes. She had a bright future ahead of her. Until she met him. We didn’t know it – so we didn’t warn her - but domestic violence abusers often seek out just this type of girl. He treated her like a princess – perfectly planned dates, gifts, cards, lots of attention and apparent caring. And even though he had a very messed up family history, our wonderful daughter didn’t want to hold it against him – he seemed to be a great guy despite his hard upbringing. Little did we know it was all an act. She took her time getting to know him, dated for quite a few years while in college and after to be sure. They went to marriage counseling and were told “of all the couples we have counseled, we feel very strongly that you two will make it”. (Again, later we learned that this is a tactic of abusers – get to know your victim so well that you can make it appear that you are perfect for each other. Abusers are master manipulators.) So, this wasn’t a rushed in to marriage. After the wedding when my husband and I would visit them (they lived out of town), we would go away with the feeling that “something” was wrong. But on the surface it just appeared that they were struggling to mesh their two busy lives as newlyweds. But we saw nothing that suggested domestic violence.
After a few years, with a new baby on the way, the cracks started showing, but again we thought it was just the stress of buying a house, having a baby, finishing school, etc, and we didn’t realize the extent of the problems. Soon after the baby was born, I got a call from a friend of my daughter saying that my daughter was “in hiding” and she would call me soon to explain. Talk about making a mother’s heart race. When my daughter called, she told me that he had been abusing her since they were married. Never physical, just emotional and psychological. Second key point to remember – abuse is often NOT physical, but the emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad and much harder to prove – and is just as hard to get over. We raced to support our daughter in any way that we could – and to learn as much as possible about this horrible thing called domestic violence. She was emotionally drained and almost “dead” inside from the emotional abuse she had suffered during her marriage.
It took months to help her emotionally “escape” from her abuser. Abusers wear their victims down and cause them to be in such a state of confusion that the victims often second guess themselves and have a hard time admitting that they are indeed victims of abuse – and so do not get help as soon as they should.
Years later, we are still living with the long-term affects of this abusive marriage. Our daughter is finally divorced and has full custody of her child. But the abuser continues to try to control and manipulate her through the child and continues to use his subtle tactics to never let her get completely free from him. And we won’t even go into all the concerns we have for the child as we know the abuser is trying some of his control tactics and mind abuse on our precious grandchild. Even so, we know we are some of the luckier ones – our daughter left quickly before the physical violence started (another key point – emotional and psychological abuse will always lead to physical abuse at some point in time – so don’t stay in an abusive situation because there is no physical abuse – it will come eventually), she had family and community support, she got full custody, she had a great lawyer and judge that had recently taken a course about abusers and how they use the court systems to keep abusing their victims so the judge understood the situation (maybe ABW helped here?), she has a good job so she can be financially free of him and support her child. But until the child is grown and can make (his/her) own decisions about seeing (her/his) father, this abuser is part of our everyday lives.
Everyone – PLEASE learn the signs of abuse. Teach them to every young girl you know. Make sure they know that it can happen to them. Tell them that if it seems too good to be true that it just might be. And don’t think it can’t happen to your family – because it can. It happened to ours. Thanks ABW for your secure room at the court building. It was a life saver when we were first starting down this path and finding out how to negotiate the court systems re this issue. It was wonderful to have a safe place to be while we waited for our court times. It helped immensely!
Anonymous
July 29, 2011
I got pregnant when I was 16 years. A first he was supportive and loving. After 2 years he change. He started cheating and physically and verbally abusive. He even dated my cousin, telling me that it's his choice to date who ever he want to date. He even stopped supporting our child. After I completed High School, he said we have to talk things over for he has changed. I was excited, not knowing that I was taking a lion from its dern. He was supportive when I was doing my first year at the University, then after that changed. He was worse than before. Then in 2006, I decided to end it all. It was a tough road for I had to take care of my child while I was studying. And now its hard to date for I nolonger trust anyone. So lets speakas up as women and say no to abuse.
Anonymous
July 19, 2011
Domestic violence has impacted me since I first started dating. I though it was a temporary. I married at 19 and I was the one to become physical because thats the only way i knew how to act when i was upset. After a devorce I was in a new relationship. The new guy not only is verbally abusive, controlling, obsesive and physical. I am the only one who works and paying all of the bills. Life doesn't have to be this way we must stop it as soon as we see the red flags.
Anonymous
April 19, 2011
I would like to share my story only because if it can help one person, I will be happy, I thought he loved me, even when I new coming home beating me wasn't right, I thought he was sweet and people just didn't understand him, the last time he beat me was pretty bad he blacken both eyes, bust my lips, and bruised my entire body,I was rush to the hospital where I was afraid to tell what really happen and then I realized at that moment I myself needed help, if it was't for ABW coming to my recuse, welcoming me in, the counslers, the staff helping me, I dont no where I would have been. Thank you, so much ABW for your help God Bless you all.
Anonymous
When I was only 19, I dated a pathetic excuse for a man. He began by calling me names, belittling me, and insulting me. I took it. I didn't think he would ever get violent. Until New Years Eve, we came back to his place and he wanted sex. In his drunken stupor, he couldn't get aroused and blamed me. He got very angry, and started yelling at me. I told him I didn't want it anymore. He held me down and forced it upon me. I was in shock, and told him I had to go home. He threw me on the floor, and I kept trying to get up and leave. Each time he threw me back down. I tried to run and he caught me and wrapped his hands around my neck. I thought he was going to kill me. I kicked and fought but it wasn't much use against a man a hundred pounds heavier than me. I finally dove across the bed and made it to the door, he chased me. I made it to the end of the hallway and he grabbed me and pushed me down the back stairs. Then he ran after me and tried to push me down the basement stairs too. I was feet from the back door but he made a game of pushing me down and then letting me get up and doing it all over again. He called me names as I screamed and cried and wanted nothing except to leave. Eventually his mom woke up and said "if you guys want to beat the shit out of each other do it somewhere else". That sick bitch was not even disturbed to see what her son had done. She told me to leave, like it was punishment. I ran to my car and sat in it and wept for an hour. I remember looking in the mirror, and there were bruises and scratches on my face from hitting the walls and floor, and there were bruises the size of hands around my neck. I went home and cried more. The next day, my mom saw the marks and somehow knew. She demanded an answer and I couldn't lie to her. She promptly tracked him down and threatened his life if he went near me. After my dad left work, he did the same. This son of a bitch (literally) begged for me to come back to him for months. This was over a year ago, and since then I have developed a better respect for myself. No woman should ever be disrespected or injured in any way by a man. I BEG any woman in an abusive relationship to get your things packed up and leave, now.
Anonymous
February 23, 2010
I was placed at ABW in march of 2010. I was pregnant and brand new to the area. They helped me so much through out my stay. going into shelter was the hardest thing for me to do but i had to do it. i was there for quite a while and they worked with me until i felt i was safe and ready to face the world without my abuser. there were 2 special staff members that helped me the most. I developed many friendships with both staff and other residents. I tell everyone about the domestic violence information I learned there. I would definately refer other victims here. THANK YOU ABW..I am now safe and DV free
Anonymous
February 2, 2011
1987 absive relationship was living in orlando fl with 2 kids gabe 4 angela 7 months apopka fla and dss ijn orldando gave me ticket to come home with 2 kids i lived in shelter from oct to dc 87 got a nice plac e went on dss back to school and now work with handicapped kids wish to come in to talk my kids gabe 27 marreid 3 kids just out out of the marines angela 23 will graduate with masters at buffalo state were all well hubby robert maried in 97 died of cancer in july 2010 all is ok love ya all god bless and thanks
Anonymous
January 25, 2011
I am 40 years old and a mother of two children. I was abused for 18 years by my ex- husband. I want to share my story to maybe help someone out there. I know how it feels to be hurt physicaly, emotionaly, and verbally by someone you love. After i graduated from high school i left my parents house to live with my husband because i just wanted to get out of my parents house. My husband told me he loved me and told me noone was ever going to love me like he did. I was so in love with him that i did anything and everything to make him happy. as time went by i wasnt allowed to have friends or family to come and see me. When he would go to work he would lock me in the apartment with a lock on the outside of the door. He would come home drunk and late alot of times and expect me to have his food warm and ready whenever he got home, even if it was at 4 in the morning. There were times that his food was cold and he spit it all out at my face.He would call me na mes and hit me. I still remember him kicking me in the head with his army boots as i held my bible and cried. I left him alot of times but i always went back to him when he begged me back or because I would rather take his crap rather than my mothers. when i was pregnant with my daughter i would walk a few blocks to the grocery store and look down at the floor till i got to the aisle that had what i needed and grab it and look back down. he would tell me to never look up and always look down at the floor when i went to the store. when my daughter was a baby we lived in an abandoned house without water gas, elecricity , no windows, no floor in the kitchen. I was so in love with him i would do anything. After i had my son our relationship was still abusive. There came a time that we kept moving from town to town because he had a warrant out for his arrest. He couldnt find work so I we all lived in our 2 cars that we had at the time. We would park at motels,hospitals, sto res at night so that we could cover the windows with our clothes and hope that noone would tell us to leave from the parking lot. we would go to the park to use the restroom and wash ourselves with rags. My kids were going to school during the day and sleeping in the car at night. we had no money for food so i would go donate blood twice a week to feed my kids.we would go to the dollar menu at fast foods to get cheap warm food and my husband would buy a beer every time i got out from donating blood. As the years went by my kids would see their mother being hit all the time. my kids would go to hug me after being hit and my daughter would tell me "its okay mommy, everything is going to be okay." they would constantly tell me to leave their father. as my kids got older they would try to defend me from their father. Thats when i started worrying about my kids getting hurt by their dad. He was always drinking and coming home drunk. He started calling my kids names. he left us and didnt want to come back even when i begged him. after a while i gave up on him and went on without him. he later wanted to come back home but this time i said no. i couldnt believe that i was saying no to him. my whole life i had spent trying not to hurt his feelings because i loved him so much. we had been split up for a while but he would still come home and park outside my house drunk in his car. One night i came home and saw his car parked in my parking lot, so i quietly went inside my house and locked the door. later i heard a big bang on my door and he was yelling for me to let him in. He broke the door and came inside and was yelling and calling me names and pulling my hair. I tried calling 911 but the call wouldnt go through. he took the phone out of my hands and broke it. He then dragged me into the room and raped me. Hours later he left and I called the cops. The battered womens shelter sent was there for me through everything. They were there at the emergenc y room with me and never left my side.I was numb and couldnt believe what had just happened to me. i wasnt able to work because i was depressed, having alot of anxiety attacks and was sick to my stomach all the time. MY parents took care of me and my kids. A few months later I knew i had to make a life for my kids. it was up to me now to make them happy. I was all they had. I moved and went to counseling and filed for divorce with the womens shelter help. Anything i needed they provided for me. They went to every court hearing with me, they made my appointments for me, they clothed and fed me and my kids. Counseling helped me to be able to love myself. I was finally free. How far are we willling to go for love? Is love worth our childrens happinness? That was not love. I was his robot doing anything and everthing that he wanted and needed. somewhere there my soul got lost. but i found myself and realized that i am strong and worthy. I dont need to depend on anyone to make me happy because i have myself now. It took something really bad to happen to realize this. what is it going to take for you to realize this? You are strong! You are worthy! GOD loves you!
Anonymous
November 24, 2010
I have been abused for six long years. On October 29th, I started the first day of the rest of my life. I got an order of protection. My son and myself are safe now. I am so scared, and it hurts so badly. My heart is broken and sometimes I feel that the weight of the world is going to crush me. Then, when my sweet little boy laughs and smiles at me and holds his arms out and says "ma ma, ma ma" it fills my heart up with joy and the strength to go on because I am doing this for him and breaking the cycle. My heart would be way more broken if anything ever happened to him. He deserves the best in life, a happy home, a peaceful home, and a home without violence. Sometimes I cry, but afterwards, I feel strong...because even though I am crying and my heart is breaking, I'm still holding my ground. I will follow through with all of the court proceedings to keep us safe. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Every tough day that I get through, I feel a little glimmer of pride that I succeeded in being strong for another day. I hope it will get easier, that's what everyone says. I was a victim, but now I am a survivor and have never felt luckier to have made it out alive, with a happy and healthy baby. I did this for him (my son)- and frankly, I would be a horrible mother if I didn't. I always think of the movie Radio Flyer and how the little brother flew away at the end of the movie when the mom let the abusive husband come back home. I am proud to say I will never be that mother, and my little boy will never have to fly away in his little red wagon to find safety. If I can get through this, so can any woman who is being abused. It's very hard, but you are not alone and there are lots of resources to help you.
Anonymous
September 30, 2010
I have been abused most of my life. I thought it was somehow normal for others to treat just me this way. My mother, then my first husband, and now my second husband. I am trying so hard to get my husband out of my life. I have gotten a restraining order which was a mircle in itself. Yet I realized just this week, I need help...I don't want to feel like it is okay for others to hurt me. I read the other stories and some are just dittos to mine. I think the hardest thing for a woman with children to over come is the judgements from others. Especially in the church. I have tried so hard to do it right. I am not abanding the ways of the Lord but in his people. My children and I have learned the hard way to relay on ourselves and only the trusted few. God is faithful but it is I who is not. I hear his(my husbands) voice and somehow he gets me believing the lies, I can't do it without him, this time he will treat me right, this time he will support me. I want to believe that so bad and not be judged by others around me. I am going for help, I realize today that I suffer from the battered woman syndrome. People say I am pretty and I laugh, for y ears I have been told just he opposite. My head knows and God keeps pouring in the pure love into my heart, I am just so not use to it for me. I want to be for the sake of my children. I don't want them to think it is okay to be hit, abused emotionally, verbally and mentally. Oh God help me in this desert of pain right now. Help me to reach the other side and to stop looking back. Not to allow fear to overcome me enough where I even think about going back. One minute is how I have to take it somedays...other days it is one second. Yet there are times lately that I go hours and feel better than ever. Could this all be true..? Deep within I know this is what God wants for me and my children. Lord don't leave me behind, make my feet walk the path I need to be on to be set free. I am just starting my jounery and I am trying to keep going. To all the women out there that know how I feel, I say you are not alone, and God is not please with the way this person is treating you. God truely wants better for us all. It is us that needs to get out of the way and let God defend us through the courts and police, and not allow ourself to feel guilty about it. We did not do this, That person did. Pray for them, and receive the love, warmth and caring God has for you. This is where I am at....learning to recleive the good things from God to ME! Hope I helped someone other than me....
Anonymous
September 15, 2010
I have been physically - mentally - emotionally and verbally abused - its' been 5 years now - it just recently cost one of us our jobs - and being that it wasn't me - my ex-partner has her sites set even higher on me - we didn't live together - but since the job situation 2 months ago - she took one more step trying to reach me - as she has been unable to via the phone - and those calls have been relentless - today though - she was a little more brass and was at my place while I was out running errands. If she was able to do that - taking the chance that I could have been home - I don't know what her next move will be - mine will be to contact "ABW" tomorrow - I always thought it would change - when our relationship was good I was on top of the world - as was she - when we weren't on mark - I suffered. Don't misunderstand - I love her more than life itself - however, I'm trying to understand that this was not love - and I deserve better.........we are both women
Anonymous
September 10, 2010
I was once a women of low self esteem and allowed a man to fight on me like I was nothing. I came from a home of physical abuse and then became what I lived but I thank God that I am free from the pain and heartache and I had found a way of escape. I found out about ABW and there I heard the stories and my mind was open and I heard how the fightings get worst and when I return back to my home it was just like what I heard but it was by God's amazing grace that saved a person like me. I once was lost but now I am found. I know that I should of died in the hands of the person who said they loved me but I am still here I refuse to let somebody take my joy and self esteem and so should you. Wake up my sisters and know that you are beautiful and worth so much more than you know. Do it for yourself and for your kids.
Anonymous
April 22, 2010
I have been in a marriage for over twenty years. Got married because I was pregnant. I didn't want to but he said it was the right thing to do. That's were the control started.He controlled who I spoke to. Controlled what I wore. Controlled what I did. And for God's sake he contolled what color underwear and bras i wore. He took control over our money about fifteen years ago. And about five years ago started gambling. I was unaware of this because I was lazy and did not want to be involved in the money. Even though it was mine. Real stupid of me. Well about a year ago he came to me and said we had to file bankrupsy. I was shoked. We made good money. What happened ? Well I started snooping. And the more I snooped the mader he got. Finally got to the point were he was really mean and I figured out he was scamming money from me. Didn't know what for. I thought it was drugs. So I started trying to figure out how to get him out. And with a lot of support from my family and friends my boys and i asked him to leave. he did. Two days later left us a note admitting to gambling and charging um $6,000 to my older sons credit card. That was it. I was done. So started the process for a divorce. Not a easy thing to do. But we filed a uncontested divorce and I am moving on. I am responsible for my house now. I pay the bills, I get the mail, i pick out colored underwear now, ha. I am in control. Women should always know were their money is going. Women should be their own person. Be who you are. Don't ever hide or deny who you are. Love yourself, and be happy with yourself. No mater what any man says.
Anonymous
April 11, 2010
My mother and my father had to have 2 surgeries to have children, of which I am the oldest. They had 4 children together, but my father wasn't around to see my youngest brother grow up. When he denied my infant sister the chance to have her own first pair of shoes, telling my mother to give her mine, my mother left the home and got a job. When my father found out, he was furious. He started beating her without regard to where his children were at the time. I saw my father do things to my mother that no human being should be forced to witness. She left. He turned on the charm at the local school, and begged for our address, to make the 'misunderstanding' right, and the school was so stupid that they gave it to him. He hunted us down like animals, used his sadistic brain to con everyone around him into believing his side of the story, and alienating my mother. From the time I was 4 until about 11, we moved so often that I went to at least one different schoo l per grade level. He kept finding us. The orders of protection kept expiring. He kept manipulating and coming back into our lives. He was addicted to crack/cocaine and alcohol, and it made the abuse worse, but it was NOT responsible for the abuse. He still tries to use his addictions as the scapegoat for his behavior, but it is NOT FAIR to my mother, to brush off her pain as the result of his drunken binges.
One night in late September, when I was in 4th grade, my father showed up and demanded that we come with him for 'a visit'. I knew I didn't want to go with him because it was dark out, but he was wearing sunglasses--which meant to my child mind that he was going to be meaner than usual, when in reality it meant he was high. My brothers got in the car, and my sister was packing her things, but I refused to go. I sat on the kitchen stool and crossed my arms, and when he told me to get up and get my pajamas, I turned my back around on the swivelled stool. He grabbed my arm harshly and spun me around, screaming at me that he was my father and I needed to respect him. He slapped me across the face, and I fell off the stool. My mother started screaming at him, and he threw a coffee cup at her face, smashing the kitchen faucet and spraying water everywhere. My sister stood between me and my father, terrified. He ripped the phone from the wall, left the trailer, and sped off with my 2 brothers in his car.
That night was terrifying. I knew that the cops kept saying that it was considered kidnapping, and that he had broken the law, but they'd said these things before and *nothing had happened to help us*. It turns out my father had cut the lines of propane running under our trailer, and was attempting to get his children out of the trailer so that he could set fire to it with his wife locked inside, alive. The next day, the police brought my brothers back and arrested my father for attempted murder. Then, ABW took us in to a safe home. We were there for my birthday, my youngest brother's birthday, and Halloween. Eventually we moved back home, and I had to shrug my shoulders when my friends asked where I had been and why I hadn't said goodbye. I couldn't tell anyone.
The wall of silence around domestic abuse needs to be taken down, and the history of victim blaming needs to be abolished.
I have been disowned by my paternal grandparents because I recognize and charge my father with the fact that he abused my mother and I. (He got out of prison a few years too early, because he gave up the name of a drug dealer of his, and enrolled in AA and NA. That's the justice system for you.)
My siblings are disenchanted from me as I am the only one who remembers any of the events, especially the culminating one which led to his imprisonment in my 10th year. They still visit my father and have been manipulated by him to think that my mother and I are crazy. Because he went through AA and knows everything about the Bible, apparently, he uses religion to insult my mother, insinuating that he will be going to heaven and she won't, because, "like Jezebel" she lied.
I apologize for the rough tone of this piece, but my father ruined my life, and I try daily to move on, but it's hard with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and depression.
ABW is one of the few reasons I am alive today. Thank you.
Anonymous
April 11, 2010
It was more than twenty years ago that I realized that the way I was living was NOT normal. I had grown used to the verbal and psychological abuse, and what seemed like rare physical abuse. My ex-husband never actually beat me - he didn't need to. I finally realized that even when married, sex without consent (or even being awake) is still rape.
I told almost no one. I finally realized that the abuse was beginning to affect my two daughters, and I needed to protect them. I sought counseling, and then found a lawyer. I found a job that had adequate pay - I could afford to leave finally, and moved into an apartment in a secure complex where my kids could continue in their home schools and I had an order of protection.
At no time did I call the police for help - it simply didn't occur to me. And it was hard enough to tell my family and friends. As the abuse had been escalating, I was terrified most of the time, until he moved out of the Rochester area. I continued with counseling, including at ABW. I finally became a survivor instead of a victim. I taught my daughters, 8 and 10 when I moved out, that they needed to be self-sufficient and independent. And, now adults, they are both doing well - survivors also. I've struggled with whether my story would make a difference to anyone. I didn't have broken bones, bruises or any visible injuries, but it has taken me years to speak of what I went through - and I still struggle with trusting men, even though I finally re-married. Abuse happens everywhere - I lived in a middle-class suburb, am educated, and no one knew what was happening - I was really good at covering up the odd behavior of my husband (an active alcoholic) and jumping throug h all of the hoops - if the house was just that much cleaner, the kids that much quieter, or if my cooking could match his mothers - then it might be a good night. Nope - never quite made it to the "good enough" stage, and I was left with pretty shattered self esteem for years. So, now I work in human service and non-profit work, not as a social worker but as an advocate. I've pushed the police department to expand their services for victims of domestic violence - something that seems to be always understaffed and underfunded. And, I remind them that not all of us call for help - I was able to get out before it escalated - but others are silent, and lose their lives. The tragic death of Stuphonia this week has reminded me that there are too many of us who live in fear where we should be safest. And, I still don't know how to keep them safe. ABW was there when I needed help - twenty years later, I hope I am finally finding my voice. Tears don't help.
Anonymous
April 11, 2010
My 20 year old daughter has been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 3 years. He has manipulated her, called her horrific names, pushed and shoved her, thrown her out of his car, broken her cell phone, ripped her clothes, etc. He controls her every move and has isolated her from her family and friends. He continually tells her that her family is the root cause of the problem. We don't love her according to this young man. We are at a loss as to how to help her. She is very beautiful, a hard worker, lots of fun, smart and just a lovely person. The young woman I see now is nothing like the daughter, sister, friend we knew. He has attacked her appearance on a daily basis, her intelligence, and will not make hold her, comfort her, support her. He is truly an evil person, and as a family; we are afraid for her well being. I have taken her to counselors, but she always has an excuse after the first or second visit. This "boyfrien d" has threatened my husband, our other children and myself. How do I help this beautiful person if she isn't ready to accept it. Her life should be filled with love, laughter, school, friends and family. It is only filled with fear, humiliation and a deep desire to be loved and accepted by this monster.
Anonymous
March 23, 2010
In a noisy world of children laughing, or argueing, I felt like a queen for such a short time. Being a mother was always something I wanted to become. However, I began as a teenage parent, I soon discovered how much I loved being just a "mom." I didn't know that men could be abusive, through words, insults and ...I only knew that iwthout a father for most of my life, it was something I needed to find, a good strong man to be a father to my son's. Days and nights, they appeared ok, nothing struck until one frightful day. I can't remember what we said, while sitting on the hill that day. The car pointed down hill, hanging on, praying for God to move my two young son's out of the way, the car sped quick down the hill, running over the go-carts their grandfather brought for them. "My God," I screamed, the trees they bent, one piereced into my leg. I thought I died, but no such luck, my boys were taken away that day,, to far, too far, too far away. Away from their grandmother and their mom. Today, the sun creeps above the hills, it searches for new plants to feed. My soul it continues to weep, of that one day, the lightenss of the air, and pain in my gut, knowing I failed my three young boys. I didn't leave, I didn't leave, I didn't leave, and for the rest of my time here on Earth, I will have to live with this pain, of not knowing where two of my chidlren are today. I miss my son's so much. I pray that maybe tomorrow, I won't wake up and in Gods gracious arms I'll return, to feel safe once again. -- I didn't leave. I didn't leave.
Anonymous
March 1, 2010
Well, there was this boy named Dan. when we started dating, he bought me everything a wanted and we had sex regularly. after about 5 months he started getting horribly irritated with me and then one day, i remember it like it ws yesterday, he slapped me. yeah. across the face. ill never forget it, and then he had sex with me to make me feel better because he knows that was what i liked, but he demanded to put it in my behind. after, he beat me senseless. i didnt know who to turn to so i went to abw. it was so horrible and i will never forget it but abw helped so much, i finally feel like i can move on.
Anonymous
February 25, 2010
I have benn in this relationship six years, even tho the frist three were the most amazing years of my life, yeah we had are ups and downs at times but nothing like now.
At frist it started with yellin then came the threats,then came he kicked me and my infant out with no where to go but yet i went back,he put on the "oh baby im sorry i love you"act,but still it continues,now he makes me sell my body for money and takes it from me so he can do what ever he wants,i have to stay in the house and i have no friends,i even have to call him and ask him for money if i want to go some where and even then we fight.
he makes me have sex with him when he wants it,he makes me feel like im no good it even hurts when i look in the mirror at my self and when i try to get away it never works.he never hurts my baby i thank god for that but im scared that the threats an emotional abuse will become more.i just wish there was a way to leave all this behind..
Anonymous
February 2, 2010
I am 53 years old and I have been in an abusive marriage, my second for twenty years. We have two children together, they are boys, ages 16 and 19. Ten years ago I attempted to break free and I filed for divorce. What followed was a hellish nightmare that lasted a year. I spent my life savings defending myself from his paper flurry to my lawyer and child protection services. He is an expert emotional abuser. He controls every dollar we have and I do not have my name on any asset we own. The only thing in my name are debts, that I have had to incur to survive here. When the court finally ordered him to pay my lawyer $10,000, he kicked in with I will kill myself if you do not let me come back home. His mother was dying of cancer at the time and I (like an idiot) allowed him back in my life. He had caused so much damage, I told him there were conditions...he must get couseling (I was already in couseling), he must share my name on our married resources, and h e must stop the emotional abuse. He went to one session, and according to him the counselor didn't think he had a problem and he didn't need to go back. He never put my name on anything. He did try and control the name calling and belittling, but the foul language and abuse just took other forms. Subtly he convinced me the nanny was to expensive and I should quit my job and care for my boys,7 and 9 at the time. He would give me a check every month and I was to pay the household bills and groceries from it. I was always in the position to "ask" for my check every month, something I find demeaning. I feel like a servant or the hired help. I had a professional job in a big corporation and I have a college education. Now that the boys are older they often mimmick his abusive tone and language in order to get there way. He never backs me up of course, because their abusive behavior justifies his. When I ask him to enforce a rule and one of my sons objects saying this or that abou t me, he generally agrees with them. If I object he just says, you are a bitch and a nag just listen to yourself. I now find myself being abused not just by my husband but by my sons as well. Two years ago I took an overdose of sleeping pills. A foolish, impulsive, desperate move. You can just imagine how they use that against me now. The nurses that cared for me knew what was up and would not let him pick me up from the hospital. I lied to them and told them It was all about me and that I was having a tough time with menopause and depression. I need help to get out this relationship.
Anonymous
December 29, 2009
I just have a poem that I wrote about how my ex used to hit me and beat me up badly.
All the shit
I put up with
all the pain and the hurt
humiliated and disrespected
straight drug in the dirt.
I still stuck by your side
through thick
and through thin
cowered in the corner
giving in to every whim.
Bruised up and beat up
I did all I could
and then some to boot!
Now what do I look like?
The dumb bitch in a monkey suit!
But I'll gather myself
this won't keep me down
strengthening and bettering myself-
it's my turn to clown!
Anonymous
December 19, 2009
Reading the stories of other women's struggles really struck a cord with me. Three years ago I was in an abusive relationship, physically, mentally and emotionally. This abuse went on for almost 2 years and after I went back 2x. It took me a long time to realize that I was not the names that he called me, that I deserved to NOT be literally spit on and kicked. That I was better than his drunken rants and him jacking me up against walls by my wrists. I will never forget what happened and until recently I hadn't forgiven myself. For me, forgiving myself and reminding myself that it wasn't fault allowed me to move forward. I still see this person almost on a weekly basis and have chosen for the past 3 years to keep my distance because his presence in my life is toxic. I am now a healthcare professional and working towards a safer and healthier life for myself. I am inspired by the women who triumph over abuse and say that enough is enough.
Anonymous
October 5, 2009
I've been married for many years. We have one daughter who my husband adores. He used to love me too but then life happened. I've gotten older, I quit smoking and gained weight. He started his putdowns about 15 years ago. I tried begging, pleading, marriage counseling, he wasn't interested. He told me he didn't love me anymore, but he didn't know why, but still he stayed. He basically ignored me for years, and when he did speak to me it was in a demeaning, condescending voice. Now, I'm faced with no job, my lack of income has escalated his hatred towards me. He threatened to punch me and smash the computer one day last week (the day before my birthday). I no longer feel safe in my own home. I must have gotten "used" to the psychological abuse, but the threat of physical abuse I won't ignore. I need to set an example for my daughter, abuse is not acceptable. I realize I should have left a long time ago. But, I'm not one to look back though, I try to only look forward. I'm filing for a divorce.
Anonymous
September 22, 2009
Three years ago I filed for divorce, i should have filed years before but I didn't because I was scared. It was not about being physically abused, at times I wish it was because then people could see what I was feeling. His words were so cruel to people he did not like, his words were cruel to me and I was married to him. Once I filed for the divorce he asked for life became unbearable. There were numerous tape recorders taping me in my own home, emails wouldn't go out without him approving them first. I was locked out of our filing cabinet, the safe and he began telling cruel storys about how abusive I was to him. I found out that my marriage had been carefully documented, worded so to say i was an unfit mother. He didn't prove a thing but did drag me through 2 years of litigation until I just couldn't fight him any longer. We share custody of our two young girls, he tells them awful things about me. He continues to spy on me, document me and thre aten me with going back to court. his mother refers to herself as Mommy to my girls. His words scare me but no one understands. If I stand up to him he becomes more mean to me, makes my life awful. If I don't then he rules my life and i wonder why I divorced him. I am his target, he lives to ruin me and continues to try. I wonder how people can move on and live their lives, I struggle each and every day.
Anonymous
July 18, 2009
i'm just typing to get it out. i haven't been continously hit, but it occasionally in the past. my experience has been more verbally abusive than physical. i received more of the tongue lashing from my son's grandmother than his father. i had a nervous breakdown. due to panic attacks i practically lost. almost everything my job, family, and even my son. just because i couldn't stand my ground now the one son that i have is living with grandma. i want to get what life left back. i want to set an example for my daughter that it is ok to be herself, and accertive in her life.
Anonymous
July 15, 2009
I was in a relationship with a man for 8 years. We have 3 children together (6,5,2) I delt with the humilation, name calling, pushing, shoving, hitting, him taking my paychecks and not paying the rent with it. I delt with a lot... I left a few times and stayed away for a while until I went back with my kids. I continued to be abused and my children witnessed a lot of it and I never realized that their behavior was because of the domestic violence. The last straw for me was when my ex came home and knew that our son and daughter were fighting. He pusehed our daughter in her room and smashed my son's face into the refrigerator causing his mouth and nose to bleed a lot. That night my ex cried and apologized about how it was all an accident. He wouldn't let me call the ambulance or take our son to the hospital. He said that if I called anyone, he would hold us all hostige. He was eventually arrested for a different matter but once he was gone I took my 3 small kids to ABW where I learned so much about how to keep myself and my kids safe. They learned how to understand that I am their mother and they do have to listen to me and respect me. We learned how to be a non-violent happy family. We just moved into our new apartment last week and we are so much happier and we don't feel scared that their dad will hurt us all anymore. He is still in jail looking at at least 10 years upstate for violating my order of protection. I don't know what we would have done if ABW didn't exist.
Anonymous
July 14, 2009
I have been a victim of abuse for the past 2.5 years. I never thought I could be in this postion. I never thought I would take it. But he has manipulated me ... controlled me and hurt me to the point that I actually felt I deserved it. Even knowing full well I have never done one thing to make this happen to me. I cant even talk to anyone. He has alienated everyone from me. Friends and family. :
He has tore me down and taken all the strength I have had. I used to be a strong person. A happy person. Full of life and laughter. I cant do anything right anymore. I know I am a good person with a big heart. I had so much love for life. Everytime I break it off. He goes after me by way of people he knows I love. He hurts me by turning others against me with horrible terrible lies that are so far from the truth and so far from me. Its a terrible cycle. I am drained. But I know deep down I can be who I once was again without him. I need support and professional help.
Anonymous
